The Final Countdown

This will officially be my last post before the big day! We have exactly two days until our wedding; I cannot believe the big day is almost here! It has been quite a ride, but I am confident all of the stress will be well worth it in the end. We are now faced with the final details which in my opinion, cause the most stress. I would be mortified if I forgot something, so the "to do lists" have now taken over. My dress is picked up from the cleaners, Matt has his tuxedo, our daughter's dress is in our possession, the decorations are delivered to the reception hall, the decorations are at the church, our bags are packed for our wedding night, etc. I am positive I left something out, but as long as I get done what needs to be, that is all that matters.
This week has definitely come with it's share of challenges; Kaylin is sick with bronchitis, and sleep at our house has been reduced to a bare minimum. Being a mom, all I want is to take her pain away and make her feel better. But, I have been forced to continue with work and focus on the tasks at hand. I feel like a bad mom for what I feel is selfish behavior, but I want her to feel better before the wedding. It's not just Matt and I that have been looking forward to this day, but Kaylin has played pretend wedding, told everyone about her dress, and tells everyone she sees that "mommy and daddy are getting married". She deserves to have fun, and I truly hope she is able to.
Aside from the sickness, there haven't been too many other bumps along the way. We've had our share of disagreements between families and a little skepticisim on whether or not some of the wedding party/guests will be here (and in a timely fashion). But, there is nothing more I can do at this point other than to hope those individuals love us enough to make our wedding day a priority. We are honored to have them in our wedding, and we are hopeful that they are honored to be a part of such a special/momentous occasion.
I have promised myself that I will keep my eye on the prize; I cannot stress at this point. I am quite positive that there will be glitches, but I refuse to let those minor glitches ruin our wedding day. As long as everyone is where they are supposed to be on time and we have everything that we need, what more can you do?
There are so very many things I am looking forward to when it comes to married life. As I set here and reflect on Matt and I's relationship, I am just astounded at how far we have come in these (what seem like) short three and a half years. We have grown so much as individuals and as a couple; I cannot wait to be his wife and continue to live our lives as Mr. and Mrs.. I believe that after everything we've endured as a couple these past three years, that God will prosper our marriage; giving us hope, love, and strength. I will say this, our relationship has encountered problems and issues that most could not even fathom. I know that these "detours" have made both of us stronger, but I am ready for some sunshine in our lives. I have no doubt in my mind that our marriage will be filled with all of the love that it can possibly be filled with. And, I believe we deserve happiness; every marriage does.
I am starting to notice an inkling of pre-wedding jitters. I am scared that there will be an issue with our wedding party being on time, or that I will forget something. I find my mind becoming more and more fogged; it is driving me absolutely bonkers. I am such an organized person, that this chaos is rubbing me the wrong way (to say the very least). I feel as though I am mentally absent and don't quite know how to handle all of these emotions right now. It hasn't helped that Matt and I have been severely sleep deprived, so I am hoping that these next two days we are able to breathe and have a peaceful nights sleep.
I have made it a point to talk to Matt about the wedding, giving him details and updates as things progress. I am fearful that his nerves are getting the best of him, and I am trying to help him understand that he has nothing to be nervous about. This is our day; all he needs to worry about is the commitment we are making to one another before God and each other. I would be lying if I said I wasn't a tad bit nervous; I am not used to being the center of attention. But, to be perfectly honest, the reality of our big day hasn't fully hit me yet. I had gone to get my hair done over our Thanksgiving break, and when my hairdresser put the veils on, I finally had my "emotional moment"; it hit me that I am getting married. Matt and I both are so caught up with work and our family, that focusing solely on the wedding would've been impossible. We are so fortunate to have had my mom as our wedding coordinator. She not only has kept things flowing smoothly, but the work she has done is just phenomenal. And, she has helped me stay grounded this past week (which I have needed a great deal). There have been times where I have missed having girl friends to talk to and converse with, but my mom has been such a magnificent support for not only myself, but for Matt as well. Planning a wedding is definitely not her "first rodeo", and she is amazing at what she does. With as scatterbrained as I have been, it has been wonderful to have someone keeping me focused and poised. Words truly cannot express how grateful I am for all of her help, love, and dedication. I constantly tell her that I am sure she is thankful she only has one child, but I know she has also enjoyed the planning and preparations.
With a little under forty eight hours until our wedding day, all I can do is hand my fears over to the good Lord and focus on my excitement. I am looking forward to sharing this day with our family and friends, and I hope they have just as much fun as we will. We are so fortunate to have such an incredible circle of people around us; we are loved  by so many.
Until next time my devoted readers!

The Race

We are now just weeks away from our big day! Needless to say, we are both growing more excited with each day that passes. Up until now, there has not been any stress whatsoever. Between work, raising a child, and Matt finishing up his college degree, that has caused more stress than anything. I think I can speak for the both of us when I say I would much rather feel excitement over our wedding, than stress. Knock on wood, let's hope that the next month continues to go by flawlessly (which I am quite sure it will).

I am still finding myself in awe when I think about how stressed brides become when their big day approaches. I guess I am a very rational person who can look at the big picture; at the end of the day, I will be married to my best friend. Matt and I both have plenty of stress in our lives that we don't need such a happy, joyous occasion to become the root of our stress. I can say this, I am extremely thankful to have such an incredible fiance who is so understanding and level headed; we are a perfect balance.

When we're not worrying about life, work, parenthood, and bills, we are soaking up the excitement of our upcoming wedding. There are times when I feel an immense amount of guilt for letting the stress of life consume me. Although now, at this moment in time, I feel as though I am finally able to let go of the nonsense and focus on this moment; uniting our family. Take it however you wish, but until you have taken a (long) walk in my shoes, you will never understand how I feel or what is thrown my way on a daily basis. Aside from having an extremely demanding job, taking care of a four year old, keeping up with a household, extracurricular activities, and striving to be the best (soon-to-be) wife I can be, each day can become daunting. And, being someone that has to (but very rarely is) be in control of her life, this makes stress become even more exaggerated than it already is. It is through these rough patches that I find myself leaning on Matt even more for his support and his level headed outlook on situations. Although we can fight like cats and dogs, at the end of each and every day, we are still each others best friend and confident.

Last Thursday we finally met with our Pastor. Let me tell you, I have never left a church feeling more in touch or in tune with God. After an extremely long and emotional day, I found it ironic that the Pastor scheduled our session with him on that particular Thursday. After a very uplifting hour and a half conversation, I felt as though a two ton weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. Those of you who are married know that each day spent together is not always going to be a walk in the park, and our Pastor was very forthcoming about this. As he explained to us, men should always treasure their women. There are quite a few men nowadays who demand respect from their significant others, but are not willing to put forth any effort into nurturing the relationship. Luckily, I have a man who not only treasures me, but who conveys his feelings on a daily basis. Prior to our relationship, I had never had a man tell me I was "beautiful", or that I was "incredible". Hearing such loving, meaningful words turned out to be harder than I imagined. However, now that we have been together for going on three years, each time these words are spoken to me, I feel my confidence rise. I have always been an extremely self conscious person, and I find myself slowly rising above all of the abuse I have endured in past relationships. For this new found confidence, I would like to thank my fiance from the absolute bottom of my heart. He is truly the most patient person I know; not very many guys would continue to shower their partners with such love, kindness, and devotion when they have a hard time believing what is said to them.

As our Pastor discussed our relationship and all that marriage entails, as he was talking, I sat in the chair completely in awe of how blessed I am. I have a phenomenal man who not only loves me unconditionally, but who also takes my daughter to be his own. Being in a relationship where the other person has a child is not easy, but he has taken on the responsibility without a complaint or regret in the world. To see him read her a bedtime story, or participate in her activities, puts an everlasting warmth in my heart.

As much as we both love Kaylin, our relationship has always involved the three of us. It took two years before Matt and I were able to have an entire evening to ourselves. And, as much as we both love being parents, we would like to experience life and establish a foundation for our family. I know what it is like to go without in order to provide for Kaylin, and Matt has experienced this with us as well. I would never want my resentment towards Kaylin's "donor" to have an impact/influence on Matt and I's relationship. Therefore, the topic of children is crossed off of our checklist; we both love our little family. 

While our relationship continues to grow and become stronger, I believe I will adjust to married life quite well. Two years ago if someone would've asked me whether or not I would be living with my fiance, I would've looked at them like they were out of their mind. It was my personal belief that a man and a woman should not live together before they were married. I know what you're thinking "this is coming from the women that had a child out of wedlock and was also still a teenager"; I do have morals despite what others may think. Now, with weeks until our wedding, I cannot imagine myself living alone. I feel as though Matt and I living together has been the best experience that God could have blessed us with (aside from us meeting and falling in love). When you live together on a daily basis, you learn things about the other person that you never knew. There are quirks about me that I'm sure drive Matt nuts, and visa verse (ha-ha). But, I feel those quirks are what test the relationship, giving you solidarity in knowing that you are with the right person. I love the routine we now have together (something we won't have to worry about once we're married). I absolutely love our family time together, reading Kaylin a bedtime story together, and going to bed with someone by my side to give me a hug each night. These are the things I will continue to look forward to until the day I die. No matter where life takes us, or what blessings or obstacles God chooses to put before us, I have the utmost faith that our family will be able to overcome anything that comes our way. We are a strong unit, and I know in the coming years we will only become stronger.

While the preparations continue, I am certain the anxious feeling in my stomach will not emerge until the night before our wedding. For all I know, it may creep up during my bridal shower next weekend. Regardless, I refuse to blow up over wedding details or fret about any incidental kinks that may pop up. This is going to be the happiest day of my life; there is no room for worry.

Style Me Pretty

"For hearing my thoughts,
understanding my dreams,
and being my best friend...
For filling my life with music,
and loving me without end...
I do."

 

As lay down at the end of the day, thoughts of our wedding day consume my mind. With everything continuing to go effortlessly and every plan/detail in place, I could not be more ecstatic. For nearly a year, when anyone asked about our wedding, my response was always "we have plenty of time to plan; the wedding isn't for another year". Now, with little over four and a half months until the big day, I see and feel time swiftly passing by. 

In May, my mom and I made the big trip to Salina, KS to pick out my wedding dress. As an avid fan of TLC's 'Say Yes to the Dress', I had an image in my mind of how the day would go; the excitement of finding my dress, etc. As we entered the bridal shop after a long drive, my adriniline was at an all time high; I knew I was going to find the perfect dress. 

 

As we walked into the bridal shop, racks of beautiful dresses filled the store. Every which way you turned it was a girls dream come true. After being greeted by the receptionist and meeting my consultant, the fun began. I never in a million years thought trying on dresses could be so exhausting, but after the fifth one, I started to ware down. My wish was to have something that made me feel like a Princess, but I wasn't seeing anything that I even remotely liked. It wasn't until the manager saw that I was in distress, that things took a hundred and eighty degree turn around. After pulling me aside and asking me what I saw myself wearing on my wedding day, she emerged from the back room in the most gorgeous dress I had ever laid eyes on. As I appeared from the dressing and saw myself in the mirror for the first time, I knew I had found the perfect dress. As I stood in front of the mirror, picturing my fiancee's face as he saw me walk down the aisle, the manager came with the veil, a cathedral veil, and my blusher veil, as well as jewelry, hair accessories, and shoes. She made me turn around, made sure everything was situated in it's proper place, and then turned me around so I could have a look-see. Wow. There I was, wearing my wedding ensemble from head to toe; I felt absolutely gorgeous. I stood there for what felt like hours, fantasizing, admiring, and wishing that the next several months would fly by. There were no tears shed (like I had thought there would be), just happiness radiating across my face. 

 

 Unfortunately, the dress I had tried on was not the correct size or color I wanted; I had my heart set on ivory. So, after ordering the dress in my size and the proper color, my mom and I ventured home and a month after our trip, I received a phone call informing me that my dress was in! Two weeks after the phone call, my mom and I made another trip back to Salina to try on my dress. I think the reason there were no tears the first time, was because the dress I had tried on didn't feel like my dress. As the alterations manager revealed my wedding dress, it hit me like a ton of bricks; in four short months, I am getting married! As tears of happiness and joy ran down my face, I stood there anxiously waiting to try on the gorgeous dress that lay before my eyes. There is truly no way to describe how I felt as I walked out of the dressing room and onto the platform; I was overwhelmed with glee. Luckily, the dress did not have to be hemmed, only taken in a little bit. So, this Friday, we will make our way back to Salina for my final dress fitting, and to get Kaylin fitted for her dress. My dad and Matt will be accompanying us on the trip, however, Matt will not be seeing me in the dress (he's just going along to enjoy the weekend with us). I am adamant about him not seeing me in the dress until I walk down the aisle, and cannot wait to see the reaction on his face as the doors swing open and the beautiful music resounds.

As the months continue to fly by, I continue to be amazed by how smoothly and perfect everything has gone. Our save the date cards were sent two weeks ago, the invitations are made, the tuxedos are picked out (as well as Kaylin's dress), the programs are completed, and the centerpieces are assembled. Without the help of my mom and her phenomenal wedding coordinator skills, none of this would have gone as wonderfully as it has. She has not only saved us an infinite amount of money, but has made each and every detail absolutely picturesque. From my bouquet to the centerpieces, each time I see something she has made, my jaw drops. And, she continues to come up with more ideas to make our special day more personalized and stunning. I am truly the luckiest daughter to have such an incredible and talented mother. And, I only hope that when all of this is said and done, I am able to find some way to repay her for all of her hard work and dedication. 

Racing Thoughts

As I was talking to my mom the other day on the phone and talk of wedding plans came into the conversation, it hit me like a ton of bricks that in nine short months, we will be getting married. At first when she started to discuss details and dress shopping, I didn't think too much of it, thinking we had plenty of time left...ha! The more we discussed, the more clearly I was able to picture everything in my head. I know what I want, what I don't want, and what I desire. And, from the sounds of it, my mom has been (very) hard at work planning, thinking, and creating what is going to be our magnificent winter wonderland wedding. I cannot stress enough just how thankful and grateful I am to have such a wonderful, talented, loving, caring mother.

With the details continuing to unravel, we have hit a crucial point of our planning stages. The colors (ice blue and silver) have been picked, attendants have been chosen, and ceremony details have been discussed in length. I view our wedding day as not only Matt and I symbolizing our love for one another, but also unifying our family. With that being said, I want to include Kaylin in as much of the ceremony as possible. Having a unity candle with three wicks; Matt and I lighting our own and all three of us lighting the third, having Kaylin stand by me instead of behind me during the exchanging of the vows, etc. While some may view this as odd, my response to them is, what is normal? So many couples nowadays have children before marriage, and there are some who are pregnant on their wedding day. My views and beliefs are very open and non-traditional, and I want that to reflect our wedding day. Of course, there are certain aspects of a wedding I feel as though should be traditional. I do not feel as though a white dress is appropriate for me seeing as how I have a child. It is my personal opinion, but I believe ivory would be much more fitting (and compliment my skin tone). This is only the tip of the ice burg as far as the details are concerned, but I believe everything is coming together quite nicely!

Since my mom and I's talk, my mind has been racing (to say the least). Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought there to be so many minute details and preparations when it came to a wedding! However, I have waited and hoped for this day for quite sometime, and am determined to make it one of the best days of mine and my (future) husbands life. I am extremely fortunate that he is on board with everything and has put in his two sense when it comes to the planning. He is working on a power point for the reception of us growing up, and has suggested we write our own wedding vows. Now, for those of you that know my fiance, he is one phenomenal writer. Words cannot express the talent this man has when it comes to his poetry and genius stories. While I fear he will put my vows to shame (and make me cry hysterically), for him to have suggested this absolutely melts my heart. I am so anxious and excited to hear his beautiful words flow from his mouth to my ears, and I only hope I am able to express my love for him in a way that lets him and our guests know just how very much I love him.

While each and every plan has fallen perfectly into place thus far, the big fear I have is about to be put to the test this next month. I have yet to meet a bride who hasn't lost weight in order to fit into a wedding gown. And, while I have nothing against this, I refuse to change my appearance in order to fit into a dress or any item of clothing for that matter. I love my body, and so does my fiance, so why go through all of those outrageous steps? I want my dress to compliment me, not for myself to compliment the dress. I am aware I am not a size 2, but I embrace my curves; every woman should. My biggest fear is that I am not able to find my dream dress. I have the exact picture in my mind of what I want my dress to look like; an ivory, 3/4 length sleeved, beaded, lace, deep v-neck wedding gown, fit for a princess. I want to feel beautiful, sexy, and classy. As I walk down the aisle, I want Matt's jaw to drop and to see a stunned, overjoyed look in his eyes. I am hopeful I find my perfect dress, so more to come on that next month!

With plans of our families getting together next week, the wedding bliss will not be far from my mind. Life has seemed to get the best of me, leaving me little time to focus on anything other than work, school, and Kaylin. And, I fear if things slow down, thoughts of our wedding will overflow my mind, leaving me so excited and overjoyed that these next nine months would drag by. For now, the anticipation will continue to grow and dreams of our wedding will continue to fill my mind as I sleep each night. As this exciting day becomes more surreal with each thought, I continually thank God for sending me such an incredible man to share the rest of my life with. I have such an infinite amount of love and happiness in my heart as we continue counting down the days until our family is united as one.

Falling Into Place

After spending this week getting our venues, DJ, and photographer booked, I officially dub this week an absolute success! It amazes me just how smoothly everything has fallen into place and how genuine and wonderful everyone has been. I truly believe that when two people are truly meant to be together, wedding plans take care of themselves (well, almost ha-ha!). Not once have I had to go to "plan b" or adjust what I want to what can happen. It gives me confidence and hope that this process isn't going to be as scary as some make it out to be!

As our wedding plans unravel and form, I have been doing some soul searching, trying to center myself for the coming months. It is a difficult subject for me to talk about, but after being engaged once before, I look back on that dark time and want to kick myself. What I have now is true, unconditional love and, it is also something I have never experienced before. I'm sure people look at me after being engaged once before and say "wow, she is quite the mess...", and for awhile, that was a hard thing to swallow. But, as time has passed, I began to understand that everything happens for a reason; when one door closes, another door opens. I believe God has a plan for mine and Kaylin's life, never meaning to harm but only to prosper.

I will never forget the time or place Matt and I met. Setting in our English class, waiting for our teacher to arrive, I looked up and saw this handsome man standing in front of a table. However, being the extremely shy person that I am, I never even thought to introduce myself on the first day of class. As the semester went on, I found his sincere and caring personality to be so unique that on the second to last day of class, I confronted him and told him we should get together and hang out. Wow, what a leap for me to step out of my comfort zone and make such a bold move. To my surprise, he accepted my invite and at the end of that week, we had our first date. It was in the coming months that I learned what true love felt like. And, after being burned the number of times I have, it was incredibly hard to open myself up to someone again. I feel as though God was standing right there with me through it all, telling me not to be afraid, and that he would not let me fall again. While everyone around me was astounded at the fact that I was falling for someone, I was very much astounded myself. With much needed faith and prayer, I was able set the past aside and let our new love flourish.

I have never been able to feel as comfortable with anyone as I do with Matt. Through the good, bad, and ugly, he has stood by my side and honored me unlike any other man I have ever come in contact with. His sincere demeanor took me aback, and his honesty was such a refreshing trait that I had also never witnessed in a relationship. When it comes to expressing love, he gives of himself instead of material beings. I have found such a companion that I wake up everyday feeling so incredibly blessed. I feel as though my past has helped create a pathway to my future and in all honesty, I would endure my heart wrenching past relationships if it meant I could end up with the phenomenal man I am with today.

With one week of planning and preparations down, it is now that I truly feel as though we are actually making headway. Where some see planning a wedding as work, I see it as planning for the first day of the rest of your life. This is honest and truly one of the most important days of our lives, and I cannot wait for the festivities to begin.

Let The Plans Begin!

After our consultation between our families the other evening, I dubbed the night a success. With each job delegated, I am thoroughly excited to get this show on the road! We've decided to have a fairly traditional wedding with a contemporary feel. Simple elegance mixed with soft romance is the feel I am trying to create for this special day.

With plans underway and venues booked, I have encountered my first problem on this journey. The one person I have wanted to be my matron of honor for our big day, is unable to be here. With becoming a mother for the second time and her brother-in-law's wedding a month before ours, there is just no way she can get anymore time off of work. So, I am forced to come up with an alternative solution. This wouldn't be a big deal if I had a good, solid group of girl friends. I have absolutely nobody else in mind to play the part of our big day, and it is extremely disheartening. I am hoping the task of finding someone to replace her is easier than I think it's going to be, but I am having severe doubts.

On a more positive note, now that the venues are booked, that is a gigantic weight off of my/our shoulders. With the wedding being in December, I have had a lot of people questioning and trying to sway me into moving it to the spring. A December wedding has always been my dream, and I just refuse to let the opinions of others make me question my decision(s). The weather is so unpredictable here anyway, that no amount of planning or hoping is going to change what the weather is going to be like on our big day. 

Aside from my hurting heart, I am incredibly happy to have my fiance in this process with me. I don't know of many guys that take the initiative to ask questions and become as involved as he has. This is a special day for all of us, and I truthfully cannot imagine going through all of the happiness, heartache, and stress, without him. I have made it my number one goal to keep my family involved as much as humanly possible, especially my daughter. We are going from the two of us, to adding another person to our family forever. As much as she loves Matt "daddy", she deserves to feel important. With the role of my junior bride, I want her to feel like a princess. : )

And So It Begins...

Today marks the first official day of our wedding planning adventure. It is all finally becoming surreal and the excitement is starting to build a great deal; in eleven months, I will be married! As a little girl, I envisioned how my life would unfold and turn out, but little did I know, none of what I had envisioned would reflect my life today. With a beautiful, intelligent daughter on one side, and my best friend and companion on the other, I must say, life has turned out much better than I could have ever thought possible.

As our wedding day plans wait to be laid out on the table tonight with each family by our side, I cannot help but imagine how each and every detail will unravel itself. As far as I'm concerned, I believe I will be a breeze to work with and extremely easy to please. I know what I want and know that I am no a coordinator, ha-ha! The only wish I have is to feel like royalty as I walk down the aisle. And, truthfully, isn't that every woman's dream? When you have children, your life from there on out becomes devoted to them. Their every want, need, and desire fall on your shoulders as a parent. Feeling as though I did things backwards by having a child before I was wed, it is my goal to make this day as special as possible. To walk down the aisle in a ivory dress; elegant and stylish, with my daughter by my side for the ceremony, looking into the eyes of my soon-to-be husband...that is my perfect fairytale wedding.

As I picture how our memorable wedding day will unveil itself, I am filled with an abundance of happiness and joy. I feel so fortunate to have come to know the man I am about to marry for his honest demeanor and kind soul. Through each smile and struggle each has endured, we have both grown closer with each day that passes. We are learning that each is entitled to ones opinion, and that agreeing on everything is not normal; you must give and take. While maintaining our own individual personalities and free spirited ways, I love how we have joined forces and have come together as one unit, without having to sacrifice. Joining each idea and teaching each other along the way, this man is someone who I cannot imagine my life without.