The Race

We are now just weeks away from our big day! Needless to say, we are both growing more excited with each day that passes. Up until now, there has not been any stress whatsoever. Between work, raising a child, and Matt finishing up his college degree, that has caused more stress than anything. I think I can speak for the both of us when I say I would much rather feel excitement over our wedding, than stress. Knock on wood, let's hope that the next month continues to go by flawlessly (which I am quite sure it will).

I am still finding myself in awe when I think about how stressed brides become when their big day approaches. I guess I am a very rational person who can look at the big picture; at the end of the day, I will be married to my best friend. Matt and I both have plenty of stress in our lives that we don't need such a happy, joyous occasion to become the root of our stress. I can say this, I am extremely thankful to have such an incredible fiance who is so understanding and level headed; we are a perfect balance.

When we're not worrying about life, work, parenthood, and bills, we are soaking up the excitement of our upcoming wedding. There are times when I feel an immense amount of guilt for letting the stress of life consume me. Although now, at this moment in time, I feel as though I am finally able to let go of the nonsense and focus on this moment; uniting our family. Take it however you wish, but until you have taken a (long) walk in my shoes, you will never understand how I feel or what is thrown my way on a daily basis. Aside from having an extremely demanding job, taking care of a four year old, keeping up with a household, extracurricular activities, and striving to be the best (soon-to-be) wife I can be, each day can become daunting. And, being someone that has to (but very rarely is) be in control of her life, this makes stress become even more exaggerated than it already is. It is through these rough patches that I find myself leaning on Matt even more for his support and his level headed outlook on situations. Although we can fight like cats and dogs, at the end of each and every day, we are still each others best friend and confident.

Last Thursday we finally met with our Pastor. Let me tell you, I have never left a church feeling more in touch or in tune with God. After an extremely long and emotional day, I found it ironic that the Pastor scheduled our session with him on that particular Thursday. After a very uplifting hour and a half conversation, I felt as though a two ton weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. Those of you who are married know that each day spent together is not always going to be a walk in the park, and our Pastor was very forthcoming about this. As he explained to us, men should always treasure their women. There are quite a few men nowadays who demand respect from their significant others, but are not willing to put forth any effort into nurturing the relationship. Luckily, I have a man who not only treasures me, but who conveys his feelings on a daily basis. Prior to our relationship, I had never had a man tell me I was "beautiful", or that I was "incredible". Hearing such loving, meaningful words turned out to be harder than I imagined. However, now that we have been together for going on three years, each time these words are spoken to me, I feel my confidence rise. I have always been an extremely self conscious person, and I find myself slowly rising above all of the abuse I have endured in past relationships. For this new found confidence, I would like to thank my fiance from the absolute bottom of my heart. He is truly the most patient person I know; not very many guys would continue to shower their partners with such love, kindness, and devotion when they have a hard time believing what is said to them.

As our Pastor discussed our relationship and all that marriage entails, as he was talking, I sat in the chair completely in awe of how blessed I am. I have a phenomenal man who not only loves me unconditionally, but who also takes my daughter to be his own. Being in a relationship where the other person has a child is not easy, but he has taken on the responsibility without a complaint or regret in the world. To see him read her a bedtime story, or participate in her activities, puts an everlasting warmth in my heart.

As much as we both love Kaylin, our relationship has always involved the three of us. It took two years before Matt and I were able to have an entire evening to ourselves. And, as much as we both love being parents, we would like to experience life and establish a foundation for our family. I know what it is like to go without in order to provide for Kaylin, and Matt has experienced this with us as well. I would never want my resentment towards Kaylin's "donor" to have an impact/influence on Matt and I's relationship. Therefore, the topic of children is crossed off of our checklist; we both love our little family. 

While our relationship continues to grow and become stronger, I believe I will adjust to married life quite well. Two years ago if someone would've asked me whether or not I would be living with my fiance, I would've looked at them like they were out of their mind. It was my personal belief that a man and a woman should not live together before they were married. I know what you're thinking "this is coming from the women that had a child out of wedlock and was also still a teenager"; I do have morals despite what others may think. Now, with weeks until our wedding, I cannot imagine myself living alone. I feel as though Matt and I living together has been the best experience that God could have blessed us with (aside from us meeting and falling in love). When you live together on a daily basis, you learn things about the other person that you never knew. There are quirks about me that I'm sure drive Matt nuts, and visa verse (ha-ha). But, I feel those quirks are what test the relationship, giving you solidarity in knowing that you are with the right person. I love the routine we now have together (something we won't have to worry about once we're married). I absolutely love our family time together, reading Kaylin a bedtime story together, and going to bed with someone by my side to give me a hug each night. These are the things I will continue to look forward to until the day I die. No matter where life takes us, or what blessings or obstacles God chooses to put before us, I have the utmost faith that our family will be able to overcome anything that comes our way. We are a strong unit, and I know in the coming years we will only become stronger.

While the preparations continue, I am certain the anxious feeling in my stomach will not emerge until the night before our wedding. For all I know, it may creep up during my bridal shower next weekend. Regardless, I refuse to blow up over wedding details or fret about any incidental kinks that may pop up. This is going to be the happiest day of my life; there is no room for worry.